


no parades to line your way

by YubiShines



Category: Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
Genre: F/M, Identity Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-25
Updated: 2013-02-25
Packaged: 2017-12-03 13:19:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/698699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YubiShines/pseuds/YubiShines
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It’s so ruthless that for a moment you’re lost in admiration." After the big reveal on the Leviathan, en route to Korriban, a scoundrel goes through some serious personal re-evaluation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	no parades to line your way

**Author's Note:**

> Original posting: 10 Oct 2012. I feel like everyone that plays the first KOTOR ends up writing something like this (even if only in their head). Implied blink-and-you'll-miss-it Carth/fRevan.
> 
> Tangent: I like saving Korriban for last, not because of thematic reasons or the hilarity of a Sith lord infiltrating a Sith compound pretending to be a Sith student, but because of the Sunry trial on Manaan. Because that means Revan won't know who she is at that point, and she'll have to confront one of the most hotly-contested moral decisions in the game while still thinking she's one of the Good Guys. Do Good Guys falsify evidence to exonerate a murderer, in the service of the greater good? 
> 
> And if she does pick that cold-blooded option, it seems to me that, over the course of the game, Revan's old calculating personality has slowly reasserted itself anyway, mind-wipe or not...

The kicker is, the person most qualified to talk to you about this is either locked up in a force cage somewhere or dead. (Maybe not dead. You'd be able to tell, right?)

No, Malak wouldn't kill her. Malak might be a fool and a brute without the foresight the gods gave a concussed turnip, but he wouldn't miss the chance to try and convert the Jedi's favorite young prodigy, not to mention getting one extra kick in the teeth to his old master. Good old dependable Malak, you could always rely on him to be unimaginatively awful that way.

There isn't really anyone else you can talk to about this. Mission is sharp as a tack and probably the most on the ball out of anyone on the ship, but—dammit, she's a teenager. Darth Revan is a distant boogeyman to her. Juhani is a problem in the opposite direction: She only sees Revan before the fall, hero of the Republic, Cathar's saviour. Also, you're about 60% certain she has a crush on you. Not an objective viewpoint.

(When all this is over, you're going to track down what's left of the council, grab them by the collar, and howl in their collective faces until your throat bleeds and your lungs give out because _what were they thinking letting a Dark lord of the Sith run off with impressionable kids?_ )

Canderous, well, Canderous practically wet himself with glee at the debriefing. (Bad phrasing. Worse mental image. Moving right along.) Jolee is your best shot, but right now you don't have the patience for cryptic storytelling, and you are just a little bit spooked at the thought that he was _watching_ you all that time, measuring you up against the long dark shadow cast by your former self. And sure, that's what Bastila and the council were doing, but... well. And Zaalbar: Ha ha, no.

You aren't even going to consider HK.

T3 would... try to be helpful, it really would, but you have a feeling that solving identity crises aren't within the little guy's parameters.

(Actually, what the council did to you—that's really just what they do to droids, isn't it? Wipe them clean when they grow an inconvenient personality, ship them off someplace so they can keep being _useful_. Yeah, that screaming session's definitely on the agenda if you get out of this crazy jaunt alive.)

And since a certain someone isn't talking to you (that's fine, the condescending prick can sulk in the cockpit all he wants, you didn't like his second-guessing and paranoid delusions ( _especially since he was right about everything_ ) anyway, it's not like you're ripping yourself to bits with guilt here or anything), that just about rules everyone out.

It's funny, though.

There's a part of you, the same part that wants to snarl at every ridiculous helpless person who staggers in your way, the part that silently begged to be let out of Kashyyk already, oh gods, why were you being dragged into wookiee politics, _not your problem not your problem_ —well, that part finds your crew's acceptance of your past absolutely insane. Jolee's scrutiny and Carth's hostility, that makes sense. That's what you're supposed to do with Sith.

"I'm not her," you say, quietly so no one hears, crouched over the workbench on the pretext of doing some repairs. Which you are doing, actually, your hands are busy while you're going around in circles arguing with yourself and getting nowhere fast. Machinery, droids—you've always liked those. Engineering problems are _simple_. When you've found a solution, everything goes as it's supposed to go. No moral ambiguity, no unpredictable variables. Hardly any existential angst.

"I'm not Revan."

The thing is... the actual thing is, Revan hadn't been all bad. She'd saved the Cathar, saved the galaxy from the Mandalorians, even if their culture was on the brink of extinction. Even the Jedi couldn't help but sing her praises—promising young knight! Inspirational leader! Voracious learner! Tactical genius!

 _I'd just bet,_ you think, _that a couple years ago, Bastila would never dream of risking her life to save an omnicidal tyrant. Twice. Is past-Bastila a completely different person compared to the one you know?_

You have a strong urge to pound your head on a wall for a while. Until the hull cracks or your skull does, whichever gave way first.

Back on Dantooine, when Master Bolook was coaching you to consider all sides of a problem, this is probably not how he intended his lessons to be put to use.

Or was it? Did any of them predict this was going to happen?

What the hell were they going to do with you, if Malak didn't waste time gloating, if Saul had died before spilling the beans, if you'd gone and destroyed the Forge without ever guessing the truth?

You find that you're gripping the edges of the table hard enough to bruise, and you slowly uncurl your fingers, one by one.

"This was always meant to be a suicide mission, wasn't it," you whisper.

You aren't an idiot. The Republic isn't holding its own against the Sith fleet, it's barely clinging on by its fingernails. Sure, you've given the war effort a boost after Manaan, no opposing army's getting far without medical supplies, but at the rate the war's going, it might end before the shortage makes a difference.

It's so ruthless that for a moment you're lost in admiration. Take a Sith lord, wipe her mind, and send her out with some of the best and brightest the Republic has to offer in the hopes they'll keep her in line. And hey, even if they can't, even if a couple of innocents get swept up along the way? If they can hold it together long enough to assemble the Star Map and destroy the heart of Malak's power, then it'd all be worth it. And if they _fail_ , well, none of it's going to matter for long anyway.

You kinda wonder if there ever was a real Salicar out there, a daredevil young Deralian smuggler who'd been killed early in the war. Fudge some records, cook up some ID—easier than making a new one from scratch, right?

It's a plan worthy of Darth Revan. You could cut the irony with a knife.

You think that you might be about to cry.

You allow yourself one sharp, painful sob. If anyone heard you, they have the courtesy not to announce themselves.

This is your fault. This is not self-pity, it is fact. You found the Forge, you dragged Malak down with you, you made sure that the next person to succeed to your position was an unstable lunatic who thinks it's clever to destroy the agricultural center of your eventual empire as a _trust exercise_. It's your stupid apprentice who's kidnapped your best friend, and your stupid fleet that's devastating the galaxy right now.

It's your hands on it, and if you're going to make amends—if you're going to repair this machine that's spinning viciously out of control—you're going to have to own up to it. All of it.


End file.
